Understanding how to communicate personal needs in a relationship can be challenging. Dating coach Erika Ettin introduces a concept known as the “Tree of Needs,” which serves as a practical framework for assessing relationship dynamics and personal fulfillment. This model encourages individuals to openly express their needs and evaluate how their partner responds, ultimately guiding decisions on whether to continue a relationship.
Visualizing the Tree of Needs
Imagine a tree with branches representing different levels of communication and response. At the top, you have your need. Below that, the next branch signifies the partner’s verbal response—either a “yes” or a “no.” The subsequent branch reflects their behavior following that response, and the final branch illustrates your reaction to their behavior.
Consider a scenario in which Susan wishes to see her partner Parker more than once a week. She communicates this desire by stating, “Hey Parker, I would love to see you more than once a week!” This straightforward request places them at the top of the tree, where Parker must respond.
If Parker answers “no,” this is classified as a “self-aware no.” He recognizes he cannot meet Susan’s need but is honest about it. At this juncture, Susan faces a critical decision: Should she remain in a relationship that does not meet her needs?
On the flip side, if Parker responds “yes,” there are two possible outcomes. If he fulfills Susan’s request and they begin seeing each other twice a week, she will likely feel pleased that she voiced her desire. However, if he says “yes” yet still fails to meet her expectations, it indicates a deeper issue.
The Impact of Responses on Relationship Dynamics
This second scenario can manifest in two forms. One possibility is what Ettin refers to as “people pleasing,” where Parker agrees to Susan’s request to keep the peace, despite knowing he cannot accommodate her. Alternatively, he may genuinely believe he can adjust his schedule, only to later realize that his commitments prevent him from doing so. This represents an “un-self-aware” response.
Regardless of intention, both scenarios leave Susan grappling with the implications of a “yes” that does not translate into action. She finds herself reassessing whether to stay in a relationship that still leaves her needs unmet.
Ettin emphasizes the necessity of expressing needs in a relationship, even at the risk of potential conflict. “If you bring up your needs to your partner or the person you’re dating, your relationship may break,” she states. Yet, she cautions that failing to communicate these needs can lead to personal dissatisfaction or even the end of the relationship.
The “Tree of Needs” framework encourages individuals to engage in this necessary dialogue. By understanding the importance of expressing personal needs and assessing partners’ responses, individuals can make informed decisions regarding their relationships.
For those navigating the complex world of dating, Erika Ettin offers insights through her platform, A Little Nudge, which aims to assist individuals in developing effective communication skills and fostering healthier relationships. To stay updated with her advice and tips, consider joining her newsletter at eepurl.com/dpHcH.
